Pancakes and Baseball Bats
by guitarsNthings
Summary: Eli's inability to make waffles leads to Ria taking out her agressions on a trashcan. Eli/Ria. Rated T for some...behavior on Eli's part. Don't own characters, they are the property of Fox.
1. Pancakes and Baseball Bats

**Pancakes and Baseball Bats**

_Author's Note: The baseball bat/trashcan and waffles idea was my friend's. She takes complete credit for that, but I take credit for the pancakes and spatula. Fireproof/Shrek/P.S. I Love You references._

Ria obviously didn't see the splotches of oozing batter sticking to the ceiling of Eli's apartment when she walked in on him. Her wet hair hung over her back, and Eli looked up. "I'm makin' waffles!" The statement was perfect Eli. Completely stupid and honest.

"And? How did that go?" Eli pointed to the ceiling.

"They got stuck to the ceiling." Ria looked up to have a huge glob of batter fall right down onto her shirt. She looked over at Eli, her eyes blazing.

"How do you get waffle mix on the ceiling?!" Eli pouted at her.

"Well...it's possible. I'm better with eggs." Ria stomped off in the direction of the bedroom. Not but a minute later, the door slammed shut and her hairdryer started. Ten minutes passed and then Ria emerged.

"Eli, where's the trashcan?"

"Outside, why?"

"Okay." Ria grabbed the key off the counter and went outside, grabbing a baseball bat and shutting the door behind her. She emptied the trashcan and went out into the driveway to the apartment complex, where she proceeded to hit the trashcan with intense rage. Five minutes later, after getting her frustrations out on the trashcan, did she look up to see the lower floor elderly couple watching her. "Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Williams." She walked back inside, and the two looked at each other.

"Happens every week, Frank."

"I know, Helen. It worries me. I have a feeling her husband is losing it."

Ria came back inside and set the baseball bat back by the door. "Have fun, Ri?"

"Shut up, Eli." Ria came over to the counter where the griddle was. "I thought you said waffles."

"Oh well. They didn't agree with me. Besides, if you start eggs right now, by the time these are done, we'll have a good breakfast." Ria went over to the stove and turned it on, then cracked five eggs into a bowl.

"I don't think the Williams like me."

"Ri...no one likes you." Ria whacked Eli on the butt.

"Say it again, Eli." He turned to her and placed his hands on his hips.

"You wanna piece of me? Come on." Ria sauntered over to Eli and crossed her arms.

"Fine." She dropped her defensive stance and grabbed Eli by his belt loops. "I've got you now, Eli...and there's nothing you can do about it." Instead of pushing her away, he leaned down, and...

_BEEP BEEP BEEP..._They were interrupted by the alarm on the stove. But Eli took one last remark, and Ria came at him with a spatula. "So do you think we need a new trashcan?" Eli ducked the whizzing spatula and grabbed Ria by the waist. He picked her up easily and tossed her over his shoulder. She kicked, narrowly missed him, and when he set her back down, he ran for the hills, or in his case, the stairs. Eli slowly came back down the stairs.

"Eli, we do NOT need a new trashcan. Not until the one we have falls apart." Ria gave him the eye and then Eli walked back into the kitchen and over to his pancakes and flipped them.


	2. Codeword: HNS

**Codeword: HNS**

The same day, at work, Ria stopped by Gillian's office. "Dr. Foster?"

"Hi, Ria. Anything I can help you with?" That was a loaded question.

"Depends. Last night Eli told me he wanted more hot, nasty sex." Gillian suppressed a laugh, but failed miserably.

"Well..." Gillian cleared her throat, but looked up when the door to her office opened. Eli walked in and looked over at Ria, then back at Gillian.

"So...what's the gossip of the day?" Gillian looked over at Ria and then opened her mouth but a bubbly laugh came out. So Ria spoke up.

"Hot, nasty sex. Why do you want to know, Eli?"

"Good question, Ri." His mildly depressed glare at Ria made Gillian laugh even harder. That night, Eli sat down on the bed and watched as Ria walked to the bathroom. "So do you want to have more hot, nasty sex or not?"

"I don't know. Do you?" Eli stared at Ria in the mirror. "Just admit it. You do."

"Fine. I want more hot, nasty sex." Ria turned and promptly chucked a shoe at him. He barely flinched. Just turned his head to one side and slid into his pajamas. Navy blue cotton pajama bottoms and his favorite t-shirt. Ria came back over to the bed and sat down opposite Eli.

"Why do we always fight about sex and having children?"

"We live in an apartment, Ri." Eli got up and slipped under the covers. "You and I kind of just happened. We don't know what we're gonna do." Ria rolled her eyes dramatically at his statement, and stood. She hopped over the shoes and to her side of the bed. "And besides, you're always talking with Gillian about us. I feel...like...I NEED A HUG!" Ria tugged on one of his coffee colored curls.

"Well then, give yourself a hug. I'm going to sleep." She turned over so that her back faced him, and she felt the bed give under his weight as he sat up. "Eli?"

"The light." He stumbled back over to the bed, and slid back under the covers. Ria still didn't face him, so he leaned over her and whispered, "Tickle fingers." Ria's eyes grew wide and she turned to face him.

"Not fair, Eli!" She saw him smile in the pale moonlight coming in from the window, and she saw the oh-so mischievous glint in his eyes. Eli leaned over and kissed Ria goodnight.

"Are you sure you don't want to have hot, nasty sex?"

"ELI." She groaned her complaint, and then Eli smirked.

"Okay, okay. No hot, nasty sex." There was a long pause, and then Eli spoke again. "Ri?"

"Hmm?" He moved closer to her and pulled her into his arms.

"Love you."

"Mmm," was her response. The next morning, Ria passed Gillian in the hallway. "Hey, Gillian."

"Morning, Ria. Any HNS last night?" Ria's face flushed red.

"No. Although Eli suggested it." Gillian bit her lip, trying to not to burst into a fit of laughter in the hallway. Cal walked out from his office.

"Morning Foster, Torres." All Gillian could do was laugh. Ria rolled her eyes, trying to keep her own laughter from pouring out. Cal looked at Gillian, shrugged, and then looked over at Ria. All Ria had to say was, 'Eli', and Cal nodded. He walked back into his office. Eli walked down the hallway and Gillian took a deep breath.

"Morning, Gillian, Ri." Gillian had composed herself in time to greet Eli and walk into Cal's office.

"Gillian asked if we had any HNS last night." Eli quizzically stared at her. "Hot nasty sex."

"Oh." Eli nodded and walked around Ria. What happened next let them see a new side of Gillian. And Cal.

* * *

_A/N: Sorry about that entire HNS thing. Somehow, I can see Ria and Eli arguing about it. Gotta love those P.S. I Love You references. More hilarity soon._


	3. We Kiss, We Make Up

**We Kiss, We Make Up**

He stopped short and pulled her over to the wall by the doorway. He whispered, "Ri...do you have a mirror on you?" She dug through her purse and handed him a compact mirror.

"Why?" He put a finger to his lips and then held up the mirror. In it, Ria saw Gillian leaning over Cal's desk. "Yeah, so what? They're talking." Eli shook his head and darted over to the other side of the door.

"Hardly." Pulling Ria over to him, he handed her the mirror. "Take a look." She did. "Seems to me like our boss has a thing for our favorite psychologist." Later that day, Ria walked into Gillian's office, only to find her applying a fresh coat of pinkish-brown lipstick.

"Hey, Gillian."

"Ria, can you give me some advice?" Ria knew what sort of hypothetical situation Gillian was going to give her. So she decided to play along.

"Sure."

"Okay. So one of my friends knows that her boss likes her. And it's obvious. But she doesn't know what to do, because she's still married, but her husband's cheating on her, and she doesn't want to tell her husband that it's over. What should she do?" Ria looked over at the door.

"Well..." Ria stopped. Her mind went wacko. She channeled her inner Eli. "WHAT THE HELL?! YOU AND CAL?! OH MY GOD! SINCE WHEN?! HAVE YOU HAD HOT NASTY SEX YET?!" Outside the office, Eli stood there, reading a fax. He stuck his head into Gillian's office.

"Gillian, are you giving Ri a heart attack?" Gillian shrugged.

"No." Ria took a deep breath and lowered her voice.

"But seriously. When did you and Cal..."

"Last week." Ria nodded, and Cal walked into Gillian's office. Ria whispered something to Gillian, and then left. Gillian blushed furiously and saw Ria and Eli watching them from outside.

* * *

_A/N: This is oh-so short. I will definitely be posting more Eli/Ria stories later, maybe some oneshots. But I must warn you, I like going into uncharted territory. *evil squirrel laugh*_


	4. Orange Slushies and Chocolate Pudding

**Orange Slushies and Chocolate Pudding**

Gillian pushed papers off of her desk and picked up her orange slushie. Taking a sip, she stared across the desk as Cal sat down. "What's wrong with Eli and Ria?"

"Don't know."

"Gillian, you're a terrible liar." He thought for a moment. "But I thought you knew that." He leaned over the desk. "Seriously. What's wrong with them?" Gillian held back a snort.

"Nothing...marital stress and the normal issues when you're living in an apartment." Cal raised his eyebrows. Gillian turned back to her computer, and felt Cal's eyes on her. When she looked over at him, she saw his quizzical look. "What?"

"Why in the world do you drink orange slushies?"

"Because they're delicious."

"And why do you eat pudding at ten in the morning?" Gillian rolled her eyes.

"Because pudding is delicious. And I like pudding." A pause, and Gillian began to type a new email to her husband. "Why do you ask so many questions, Cal?"

"Because I think it's weird...eating pudding at ten in the morning." Gillian shot him a look. "And why..." Gillian cut him off.

"If it has to do with romance novels, it's because they make me happy. And I recall telling you this a while ago." Cal leaned back in the chair before rolling his eyes at her, and she smirked. "Why are you asking me so many questions, Cal?"

"Because. I'm practicing for when Emily develops a strange like for things such as slushies, pudding, and romance novels."

"You have too much time on your hands, Cal." Gillian smiled and took a long, loud slurp of her orange slushie.

"What is it with orange slushies?"

"CAL!"

"I mean, at least pick a different flavor once in a while." There was a pause. "Like cherry or something." Cal looked down at the floor as Gillian slid the slushie across the desk.

"I like orange slushies." This was getting too ridiculous, even for Gillian. So when Cal picked up the Styrofoam cup and opened it, he peered inside as if a slushie monster was going to get him.

"It smells funny." Cal pushed the lid back down. "Artificial ingredients."

"Well it's my choice to drink an artificially flavored beverage. Or slushie." She gave him a mild glare, but he could see the laugh in her eyes. And then Gillian took her slushie back and took a sip. "So...Ria and Eli think something is going on between...us." Cal stared at her.

"And? What did you say?"

"I told Ria that yeah, there is something. But I don't think she believed me."

"G-I-L-L-I-A-N..." He drug out her name in a mild whine.

"So...how's Emily?"

* * *

_A/N: It kind of ended. I wanted to bring back the humor of the story, so I thought about that lovely episode with the chocolate pudding/orange slushie deal. And the Cherry Slushie thing was TakeABreath92's idea. Much love, hun!!_


	5. Sumo Suit Therapy

**Sumo Suit Therapy**

Cal watched as Ria slammed the door on Eli. Another day where she was mad at him for some reason or another. But before Cal could nab Eli to talk with him, Gillian pulled Eli into her office by his shirt. The door shut and Cal walked back into his office and sat down. Later that afternoon, Gillian waltzed into his office and announced that she would be closing the doors to the Lightman Center earlier than usual. Emily, who sat in the chair across from her dad, stared up at Gillian. "What?"

"Cal, I think Eli and Ria are in need of some serious therapy sessions. So I called up a sumo-suit place and those two are going to get their therapy." Cal and Emily followed Gillian to Ria's office, where Eli stood, crossing his arms over his stomach.

"She punched me." Gillian knocked on the door.

"It's Gillian. Ria, open this door right now." She turned to Eli. "When she opens the door, grab her."

"I don't want to," came Ria's muffled reply.

"Ria." The door swung open, and Eli dove for his wife's slender waist. Picking her up, he carried her out to the lobby.

"Ria, seriously. Lay off the chocolate." She kicked and narrowly missed the glass wall. Cal looked over at Gillian.

"You have got to be out of your mind, Gillian." An hour later, Ria pouted all the way into the sumo suit. Eli sucked up every minute of this. It wasn't every day that you got to hit something with a pole with a punching bag at either end. Ria took the first swing and clipped Eli in the shoulder. After a while, Ria got fed up with the pole she could barely maneuver and she charged at Eli, knocking him onto the ground. But he reached out and grabbed her ankles, tripping her.

"See, Cal? They're getting out their frustrations. You should try it sometime." By now, Emily was watching as Ria yelled and rolled up off the ground and tackled Eli. It was mayhem in there. And Gillian barely looked when Eli ran into Ria at full speed, or as fast as he could go in the sumo suit.

"Yeah, you're crazy." They looked back in time to see both Ria and Eli rolling around on the floor, Ria screaming at him.

"YOU'RE GONNA PAY, ELI LOKER!" They both staggered to their feet and Ria hurtled at him. Eli shimmied out of the way and stuck his tongue out at her.

"MAKE ME!" They both started to run at each other. Well, it was more of a hobble than a run. But they collided and flew in opposite directions. By the time the so called "therapy" was over, Ria felt relieved. That night, when she returned home, she found a note stuck to her stack of papers left on the kitchen table from that morning.

_I'm sorry for being a horrible husband._

Ria plucked the note off her papers and walked to the bedroom, where Eli was in bed already. She sat down beside him and and poked him in the side. "Eli." He opened one eye.

"Hey, Ri."

"This isn't true." She waved the note around.

"I feel like I haven't been the best to you." He looked towards the door.

"Shut up, Eli. You've been an amazing husband." A smile graced his lips. "Maybe a slightly crazy, moronic one at times, but I think you're amazing...and I would never think you were a horrible husband. Never." He closed his eyes and smiled once more before faking sleep. Ria got ready for bed and then slid under the covers. He pulled her close to him and whispered in her ear.

"You think I'm crazy?"

* * *

_A/N: I really don't want to do one more chapter, but I kind of ended this chapter on an interesting sentence. You can take it many ways. Hopefully, something under the PG rating._


End file.
